Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
