fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
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