I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
