Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
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I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize