Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
