my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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