Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
