If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
As shirtless as possible
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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