I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I don't deserve a penis
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
