We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
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We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
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Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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