Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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