there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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