I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
