I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
