I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
