A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Holy shit dude........stairs
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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