Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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