i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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