Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
