He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
