I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
