I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Will exercising make me less horny?
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