remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
