It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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