I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
