Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
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