final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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