it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I will pee on everything he values.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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