She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I didn't notice because vodka
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
