so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
