theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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