I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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