She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
