Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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