I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
