so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
