I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
