it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
