No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
