the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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