drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
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when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
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DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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