I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
