Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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