we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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