Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
