Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
