At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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