Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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