I can't breathe out the right side of my face
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm always down for nudity.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
