Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
