Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
