my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
