you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
MIDGETS
????
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
