Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
is wine microwaveable?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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