Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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