I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
