the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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