he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
